“You can’t see yourself. You know what you look like because of mirrors and photographs, but out there in the world, as you move among your fellow human beings, whether strangers or friends or the most intimate beloveds, your own face is invisible to you. You can see other parts of yourself, arms and legs, hands and feet, shoulders and torso, but only from the front, nothing of the back except the backs of your legs if you twist them into the right position, but not your face, never your face, and in the end – at least as far as others are concerned – your face is who you are, the essential fact of your identity. We are all aliens to ourselves, and if we have any sense of who we are, it is only because we live inside the eyes of others.” ― Paul Auster.
The thought of being an ‘alien’ to myself made me shudder and seek answers to Paul’s implication by reflecting on my travel experiences. Traveling has made me look at myself as a separate entity from my own eyes; otherwise, the abundance of views and perceptions in my surroundings could have easily drowned my individuality. This is my personal individuality, which I believe is not directly related to my cultural identity (which mainly consists of nationality, ethnicity, religion, social class, generation, locality, etc.). Yes, our cultural origins generally do play an important role in the creation of our personalities, but I have always looked at the world from a neutral perspective. I’m not sure if this was ingrained by my parents or if I just grew up this way, but this quality did not allow too much culture from my environment to stick to me.
In situations where our cultural identities become prominent after stepping out of our own country, which most of the time we aren’t aware of, I was generalized. It doesn’t matter to the stranger if you are truly different from other people who share your skin color or accent.
I believe I have, and continue to, break stereotypes that are often based on evidence and logic but are unjust for people like me. After all, we are an ‘idea’ of a living and breathing human being originating from someplace. What I wish to stress is the impossibility of giving any final meaning to any ‘idea’ because words have no fixed or stable relationship to the concepts or other things they are meant to signify, which is why the meanings of words can only be described by more words. Hence, their meaning is endlessly deferred (by Derrida). You cannot look at the seemingly annoying person sitting in front of you on the bus and confirm that they are possibly unappreciative and inconsiderate. If that person is a word, this word has many meanings that can only be explained by adding further words. I am more than what I seem to be to myself and others.
Dear Paul,
I could be an alien to myself and others, but I am getting to know this person, who is me, through the eyes of others, and I am nothing they imagine me to be. I am unique, just like the other precious diamonds I am surrounded with.
Yours faithfully,
FortuitousPurpose.
Featured image: Remodelled version of Hand with Reflecting Sphere, also known as Self-Portrait in Spherical Mirror lithograph print by Dutch artist M. C. Escher.
fortuitouspurpose 